Author: Dr. Paul Hokemeyer

Shrink Rap: Interpersonal Boundaries

[click "Play" to hear Dr. Paul Hokemeyer continue on co-dependency]

By Dr. Paul Hokemeyer

Last week we talked about the signs and symptoms of co-dependency. This week I want to dig down a little deeper and explore how our interpersonal boundaries impact our emotional well-being. Without exception, people who suffer in co-dependent relationships have thin or non-existent boundaries with the person with whom they are in a co-dependent relationship (their qualifier).

Ernest Hartmann articulated the notion that our interpersonal boundaries are either thick or thin in his 1991 book Boundaries in the Mind. Hartmann noted that people typically fall into two types: Those who have thick boundaries are loners and have few intimate connections with other people. Those who have thin boundaries tend to fall in love and trust too easily.

Shrink Rap: Co-dependency

[click "Play" to Dr. Hokemeyer's conversation with Susan]

Thankfully, none of Telluride Inside... and Out's relationships with the various players in the region's robust cultural economy are co-dependent. They are happy and mutually satisfying.

According to part-timeTelluride local Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, the source of TIO's Shrink Rap, co-dependency is an emotional and behavioral condition that occurs when people form and maintain one-sided, emotionally and/or physically abusive relationships. Co-dependency is a construct that focuses on a person’s reliance on something outside himself to regulate how he feels on the inside.

Shrink Rap: It’s Valentine’s Day. Make Love – To Yourself

Valentine’s Day is drawing near. If we’re in a romantic relationship, the thought of the day is cause for happiness.  If we are solo, however, the approaching holiday can make us feel lonely and sad. The truth of the matter is this: when we believe happiness is attached to something or someone outside ourselves, we are setting ourselves up for a big downer. This year, avoid the set-up. Make love to yourself.

As a psychotherapist who helps free people from unhealthy relationships, substances, and behaviors, I see how frequently  emotional and physical pain are caused by an attachment to any number of delusions. We think of a shot of vodka or piece of chocolate cake, for example, as sources of comfort. And while alcohol and sugar can make us feel great in the moment, the feeling is fleeting: in the long run, substances like these diminish our capacity to lovingly connect to our minds and bodies. They distract from a meaningful spiritual existence.

Shrink Rap with Dr. Paul Hokemeyer

Telluride Inside... and Out is pleased to announce the launch of a bi-monthly column focusing on relationships. "Shrink Rap" features part-time Telluride local Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, JD, PhD.

Dr. Hokemeyer is a nationally recognized expert on Eastern philosophies, relationships, and emotional healing. A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, he holds a PhD in psychology, as well as a doctorate in the law. A part-time Telluride resident, Dr. Hokemeyer is based in the New York City office of the Caron Treatment Centers. He is also a weekly contributor to "The Dr. Oz Show," CNN’s "Headline News," and other media outlets, including "Good Morning America," "truTV," and "Oprah Radio."