Shrink Rap: How to Win Back Your Ex

Shrink Rap: How to Win Back Your Ex

A Telluride local, Dr. Paul Hokemeyer is an internationally recognized expert on treating clinical issues at the nexus of relationships and behavioral health. (Scroll down for more on Dr. Paul.)

In a recent story for Men’s Health, Dr. Paul talks about how to make like Justin Bieber and win back your Ex. But there’s a caveat: Sometimes it’s better to just move on.

Dr. Paul Hokemeyer

Dr. Paul Hokemeyer

The latest Hollywood gossip is that newly-single Selena Gomez is giving her ex, Justin Bieber, another chance. While Gomez’s friends are reportedly worried about the pop star getting back together with Bieber, we’ve got to hand it to the guy. Winning back your ex—especially when you’ve allegedly been unfaithful—is no easy task, as any person who’s been in a similar situation can attest.

Some relationships clearly aren’t meant to stand the test of time, but there are other instances where it’s not so black and white. As relationship Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D., told Men’s Health, it comes down to figuring out how and why a break-up happened, and then deciding where to go from there. Below are the steps you can take to figure out if getting back with your ex is worth it—and from there, how go about executing this seemingly daunting task. Biebz, listen up.

Gomez & Bieber, back together? Image courtesy Men’s Health.

“You need to take a long and hard look at why you broke up,” Hokemeyer says. “Not being ready to be in a relationship is a whole lot different than being in a relationship with an emotionally or physically abusive partner.”

If a relationship ended because of abuse, it’s healthier to stay out of it. But if one or both of you were emotionally not ready, there’s potential to come back to that relationship more prepared. In the case of Bieber and Gomez, the two started dating when they were very young—as teenagers, in fact. It’s safe to assume they’ve both done some growing up.

After the ‘why,’ you need to think about the ‘what’ and ‘how,’ Hokemeyer says. The ‘what’ is the reason the break-up happened. “There’s a spectrum here from immature and petty complaints like ‘she didn’t like watching baseball’ to major breaches in trust like infidelity and compulsive lying,” Hokemeyer says. Silly, immature reasons can be overcome.

The ‘how’ is exactly how the break-up happened, which can tell you a lot about the maturity level of both people involved. “Did it occur respectfully, or was it undertaken though passive aggressive or outright aggressive means?” Hokemeyer says you should ask yourself. (If you broke up for the right reasons and still can’t get over her, here’s the ultimate guide for getting over a break-up.)

Continue reading here.

More about Dr. Paul Hokemeyer:

Dr. Paul is frequently quoted in a host of media outlets including The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal. He serves on the panel of experts for the “Dr. Oz Show” and is a Fox News analyst. Dr. Paul served on the board of directors for the New York Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and received his certification as a clinical trauma professional. He also holds a law degree.

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