Shrink Rap: 7 Things Other Than Sex Women Count As Cheating

Shrink Rap: 7 Things Other Than Sex Women Count As Cheating

A Telluride local, Dr. Paul Hokemeyer is an internationally recognized expert on treating the clinical issues at the nexus of relationships and behavioral health. (Scroll down for more on Dr. Paul.)

You might be surprised at what a relationship expert like Dr. Paul has to say about on the subject of cheating. You may be crossing the line without knowing it. Dr. Paul is quoted in an article by Alisa Hrusti recently published in Men’s Health.

Dr. Paul Hokemeyer

Dr. Paul Hokemeyer

Are you cheating without even realizing it? There’s a chance you might be crossing some blurred lines, a new survey commissioned by Deseret News reveals.

YouGov—a market research firm—surveyed a nationally representative sample of 1,000 Americans about their thoughts on cheating.

And the top culprits are what you would expect: A majority of women say that having regular sex with someone else, a one-night stand, kissing another person, and sexting always count as cheating.

But then the gray area between friendship and infidelity start to get hazy. In fact, women in the survey pinned down seven more (yes, seven!) relationship dealbreakers. Think you’re being completely faithful? Read on to find out.


Why it counts: Even if you’re not consistently having sex with someone on the side, maintaining an online dating profile hints at the fact that you want to—at least, 70 percent of women seem to think so.

“Maintaining an online dating profile falls into the emotional infidelity pot. It’s saying that you don’t feel confident enough in your primary relationship to share all of it with your mate,” explains relationship and family therapist, Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D. “In short, you feel you need to hedge your bets and keep your options open. Not only is it greedy, but it’s also insulting to your primary relationship.”

Your move: RIP to your Tinder profile. If you’re serious about your partner, this means you should delete it completely. If you’re hesitant to do so, you should reassess whether or not you’re ready to settle down with one person, says Hokemeyer.


Why it counts: 61 percent of women agree that you don’t need to be physically intimate with someone to care about them inappropriately.

Do you think about another woman constantly? Call and text her when your wife isn’t around? Think about what your life would be like if you were with her? Rely on her for emotional comfort when you’re angry or stressed? You may be having an emotional affair, says Hokemeyer.

Naturally, you should have a variety of friends to go to for emotional support, he explains. But when your wife or girlfriend stops being your confidant, that’s a sign that you may not be with the right person.

Your move: If you find that you’re withholding feelings from your partner for fear of being criticized or judged, it may be a sign that it’s time to part ways, especially if there’s someone else in the picture that does give you the sense of comfort you’re looking for, says Hokemeyer.


Why it counts: Just under 60 percent of women say your flirtatious messages are a major red flag. That’s because even though it’s not full on sexting, flirty messages can be a slippery slope, says Hokemeyer.

“Instead of being based on our primal sexual needs, [flirty texts] are based on our need to be seen, heard and desired,” he says.

If what you pass off as “fun” and “innocent” violates boundaries you and your partner have agreed on (whether they’re implied or you’ve discussed them), then you’re crossing a line.

Your move: If she’s uncomfortable with messages you’ve sent to other women, and your relationship means a lot to you, cut it out.

You should recognize what’s happening and ask why you’re looking to flirt with others, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of How Could You Do This to Me? Learning to Trust After Betrayal.

Then, put that flirtation back into your own relationship. If you feel like you’re not getting what you need from your partner, but you want to make it work, you may need to talk to a pro about why that is to get to the root of the problem, says Hokemeyer…

Continue reading here.

More about Dr. Paul Hokemeyer:

Dr. Paul is frequently quoted in a host of media outlets including The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal. He serves on the panel of experts for the “Dr. Oz Show” and is a Fox News analyst. Dr. Paul served on the board of directors for the New York Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and received his certification as a clinical trauma professional. He also holds a law degree.

1 Comment
  • Neal elinoff
    Posted at 06:54h, 25 April

    Relationships are sexual prisons and so it seems most people want to taste a little freedom.

    Maybe if we evolve enough we’ll get over the control we think we need to have a relationship.