Jeff Price in The Age of Corona: A Note to Friends & Neighbors

05 Apr Jeff Price in The Age of Corona: A Note to Friends & Neighbors

Jeffrey Price is a screenwriter best known for “Who Framed Roger Rabbit,” “Doc Hollywood,” “The Grinch,” “Shrek III.” He also directed and co-wrote “For Cryin’ Out Loud” and co-wrote “My Brother’s Keeper” for “Tales From the Crypt.” Jeff’s debut novel, “Improbable Fortunes,” came out in 2016. It’s a tall tale about the West, hits very close to home and is readily available at Between the Covers Bookstore and on Amazon. (Go here for my review.) Jeff and his wife, Jennie Franks (of SPARKy Productions ) have lived in Telluride since 1993, where he is an avid outdoorsman and prevaricator of some renown. Below, Jeff’s observations about the impact of the Age of Corona on the healthcare profession, tongue firmly planted in cheek, natch.

Howdy Friends and Neighbors,

If you’ve been watching TV lately, which I’m sure you have, you’ve probably noticed a couple a things. The first is, those Scott’s Turf Builder commercials. Unless I miss my guess, you’re probably comin’ around to feeling that you don’t give a shit about crabgrass, anymore. That goes for the thousands of drug commercials, as well.

Are we really that hypochondriacal that we can be talked into that oft-misdiagnosed condition of “Something Something Pancreatic Syndrome” that can sometimes lead to excess gas and diarrhea? And what about all the bank commercials that express “We’re Here For You.”

You see, folks, as the scales are now being lifted from thine eyes, what may be coming into focus is that, in this great old country of ours, we are not regarded so much as “citizens” as we are “customers.” And thank you, Jesus, for that, my friends. Because if they didn’t need us–not so much as citizens–but as customers to keep buying stuff, they would not give one pizza-toting rat’s ass about us. You can see where their priorities are when they give out a bit of spit-in-the-ocean cash for everyday poor folk, while they wheel barrels full of up-front-whip-out for our airlines companies, busy at work redesigning economy seats to make them smaller.

My point here is that when a society starts to regard their favorite TV commercials as meaningless, you might have trouble on your hands.

Here’s the second thing I noticed on TV this morning. Every governor, every health official (not serving in the Trump Administration) was bemoaning the fact that the country doesn’t have enough sterilized masks and gowns despite having asked the government for them. That, one I would think, is the easy ask. Ventilators are another matter. There’s a motor and tubes to assemble–even though we didn’t have a problem throwing a whole bomber together in one day during WWII. The President, borrowing a line from JFK has said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, build the freaking ventilators yourself!”

A lot of you are worried about where this will all lead to. What will happen when our frontline doctors and nurses become ill? Well, let’s look into our crystal ball, shall we?

Retired doctors and nurses have already been called up for duty. We will be able to rely upon them. But they are old. It is likely that these brave people will contract the virus themselves and die or have to be hospitalized.

So, who will fill the gap from there? Dentists. Yes, America’s dentists are the logical people to be called upon next. It’s their own damn fault for insisting that we call them “doctors.” So stew in it boys, you’re doctors now. On to the front. And by the way, I suspect some of them even have their own masks that they needed to guard themselves from their clients’ bad breath.

Now when our dentists die off or render themselves delirious from nitrous oxide, we will be forced to go to our next line of defense. Those being, our Veterinarians. I was always a proponent of vets being used as “economy doctors” for millennials without health insurance. Here’s their big chance to serve the country. Problem is, they won’t do it. They will defy the draft. The Vets will say that pets are more important than people. And they will have the support of 87% of all Americans. So, forget the damn shirking veterinarians.

Which leads me to the failsafe option. America’s last hope. Chiropractors. Yes, chiropractors. Now think. Hasn’t your chiropractor always considered himself or herself more knowledgeable than your GP? Hasn’t your chiropractor, like your local tooth-yanker, always insisted on being called doctor?

Friends and Neighbors, take five. We will see our way out of this health crisis. The President has already proven that the government operates just fine, thank you very much, without the help from professionals in the Armed Forces, the State Department, the Treasury and the rest of the Deep State Traitors.

Dentists and Chiropractors report for duty!